I'm back on the wagon again - abstaining from men, that is...something came up that has convinced me that I should go with my gut & hold out for the man that I really wanted from the start (no, we will not name names or discuss the circumstances).

If I am patient (yeah, I know, nearly impossible for me, but he's worth it!), eventually the same force that keeps almost bringing us together will deliver him to me, and I want to be available this time when the opportunity presents itself! In the meantime, I'm saving myself from being hurt & disappointed by meaningless relationships that don't measure up to my idea of what our future could be together. I just don't see how that could be a bad thing. The only down-side to holding onto this dream of the two of us being soul-mates & living happily ever after is that, for now, he's completely unaccessible, and that makes me really sad. But, if it really is meant to be (which is what I believe in my heart), then he will seek me out when he's ready. I've made it very easy for him to find me, so from here on out, that's all I can really do. Who knows, maybe he doesn't even want to be in touch with me, or maybe he only sees me as a friend. I'm willing to wait & see...

Ok, enough romantic daydreaming...quick update on la vida loca: Tyson & I were up till 9:30 last night completing his state report that was due today. Thank goodness that's over with! I think he'll get a really good grade on it, though. He brought home a bunch of school work yesterday, and he's been doing more extra credit & getting straight A's except for the last couple of spelling tests, which he wasn't able to study for because he kept forgetting to being the lists home. Now that I can get the list online, we've been studying & I have no doubt that he'll get 100% from here on out. Last night after football practice, we stopped by Seth's dad's for a few minutes (first time since the divorce & actually a while before that even), because Phil had to put his 15 year old Golden Retriever, Buddy, to sleep. Buddy was totally a family member (one of the few I really got along with)! He would hug & howl "I love you" on command, as well as every other trick in the book. Rest in peace, Buddy. Tyson's playoff game against the Crater Comets is this Sunday. If we win, we move on, and if not, the season's over. He wants to do basketball, and I want him to have the opportunity to try, but dangit, I'm ready for a break, and I think he needs one too! I'll probably put in a couple hours at Lithia Women's Care this weekend & carve some pumpkins, but other than that & football, I'm going to relax as much as possible! Can't wait for Halloween - I'll post pics of me & Tyson in costume afterward.

Today I was feeling a tad frazzled, especially once Tyson called me (15 minutes before football practice) at work to tell me that he forgot his practice pants & cleats at school & coach was totally gonna kill him. (He ended up having to run around the goal posts 11 times, up & down the length of the field.) Last night he told me that he brought home extra credit so that he could make up for the homework assignments that he hasn't gotten! Uh, hellooooooo...? So we've been busting our chops to make sure that he studies for his spelling (thank goodness his teacher finally posted them online for us, since he'd forgotten the list three weeks in a row & had to take the tests cold-turkey!), practices his bass, does research & writes his state report (due two days from tomorrow!) that is 25 pages long, and reads for a minimum of 1/2 an hour for a book report that's due on the 4th. All this and football practice three times a week for two hours at a time! Yikes! I told him when I picked him up from practice today (BTW, I called his teacher & arranged to pick up the gear, then drove it to practice for him, across town, before coming home to do three transcription tapes before I picked him up at 6:30) that, no, we didn't have time for a movie, or dinner for that matter...Yes, I was joking - being the extremely awesome multi-tasking mother that I strive to be, I prepared a nice meal of salmon, mashed potatoes & green beans while he was in the tub. Just as I was writing this, I realized that I never ate - oops!

Seth didn't call like he was supposed to last night (we've arranged an 8:00 call on Mondays so we can guarantee we'll touch base - he still hasn't gotten a freakin' phone!). We still didn't hear from him again tonight, although I didn't mention that to Tyson, of course. I need to talk to him so we can figure out what the plan is for Thanksgiving, although, knowing him, he'll bail at the last minute, which would be fine with me if it weren't for Tyson's disappointment. More time with the greatest kid in the world for me!

I found myself sending up a little prayer this evening on the way home from practice that was like something out of Fiddler on the Roof: "Matchmaker, Matchmaker, make me a match, find me a find, catch me a catch...for Yentil, make him a scholar, for Mama, make him rich as a king, for me, well, I wouldn't holler if he were as handsome as anything..." Except for mine went, "Ok, Lord, I think I'm ready for my the perfect man for me & Tyson to come along, and could you please make him rich so I don't have to struggle quite so hard anymore?" (I know, not quite as catchy, huh?)Not to indulge completely in self-pity, but I feel like I've done without, been through enough bad relationships & generally gone through enough crap to have built some character. Enough character, already, done with that & ready to reap the rewards now, thank you very much...Ok, somebody call the waaaaaaaambulance....

Soooo glad to be starting a new week! Last week completely sucked & I was dragging from having a cold, which carried over into the weekend. Ty & I folded out the futon & watched movies Friday & Saturday nights.

Yesterday, Tyson had his last football game of the season against the only team we've lost to in the last two years. As it turns out, his cousin (on his dad's side) was on the opposing team, literally facing him on the line, so it was all that much better when we beat 'em! This means that we'll be facing the Crater Comets in the top lineup of the playoffs, and they're the only team that we lost to this year. Let's hope the boys see it as an opportunity to even things up, rather than let that intimidate them. Since I had to drop Tyson off 1 1/4 hours early for the game in Eagle Point, I drove over to Krista & Dustin's to say hi. Their whole family had the flu except Dustin, since he's been working out of town again, but guess what?!? Our prayers were answered, and he has passed his test to become an independent plumbing contractor, so he can do whatever he wants now! I'm really happy for them; it couldn't happen to better people! After the game, Tyson went to visit with his friend, Luc, who had a birthday party that Tyson had to miss because of football. When I dropped him off, Lily's dad was there dropping her off. We'd met before & played tennis with his girls against me & Tyson & had a great time. But, wouldn't you know it, single dad up & got remarried, of course! Oh well.....

Fell asleep during the movie last night, slept in till 8:30, read until 12:30 (with a break to make Tyson breakfast) & took a nap until 4pm. Woke up feeling a lot better! I really wanted to go for a bike ride; it was such a beautiful day, but let Tyson talk me into going out to eat. We were going to see a movie, but there's just nothing that looked good to either of us, so we went to Cold Stone Creamery (dang, that's some good ice cream!) & came home.

I finally get the book shelf painted for Tyson's room & did a couple of transcription tapes tonight. It is truly amazing that this mundane life of mine can seem so hectic at times...

Well, it's been almost a whole week since my last post, so I figured I owe it to my (growing) audience to continue to chronicle the life & times of me...

Let's see, as y'all know, I left for Portland after Tyson's game on Saturday (which they lost by a touchdown & an extra point, bringing our boys their first loss & making their record 5-1 now. Coach & I both agree that one loss is good for character, but that we can't get any more...). I didn't get up there until 6:30, then managed to be in the wrong lane at a critical point in the directions once I got into town & was completely lost! I finally did the female thing & asked for directions, arriving at Sarah's mom's place at 7pm. Sarah came running out to greet me, with Isabella in her arms. Isabella is just over a year old now & kept saying my name over & over. I thought it was really sweet that Sarah had taught her to say it. Ethan just turned four & remembered me from my visit last summer. These are some cute kids! They're also very smart! Everyone was surprised at how quickly Isabella took to me, which made me feel super special, of course!

The plan was to go to the Tavern around the corner & hang out. I told Sarah that if I could only see her one night in a year, I planned to stay up & hang out all night! Well...we had a few drinks & I'm just not the partier I used to be. I was puking by 12:30. So much for my all-nighter! Sarah, of course, was busy taking pictures of me the whole time! I finally passsed out & was woken up by Isabella the next morning. She was sitting up in the dark babbling and playing. She came over & crawled into bed with me & showed me her "bracelet" (a jar ring). It's a good thing she woke me up, because Sarah had forgotten to set her alarm for the walk!

I got up & was getting ready, and Sarah told me that no one would think any less of me if I didn't go to the walk, so I didn't go. Hah! Gotcha! I just smiled & said that I knew that, while thinking to myself that I wasn't doing this for anyone else but Shannon. I got to the World Trade Center (on time!), where the walk began & got registered & had some coffee. I just kinda sat there by myself until the speakers did their announcements & we began the walk. I felt a little silly, but I picked up a sign to carry around advertising a website for suicide prevention. A young woman & her mom struck up a conversation with me & asked me who I was walking in memory of, so I told them my story & they shared theirs with me. This girl had lost her dad & a close friend within 3 weeks of eachother. Her mom explained that this was her ex-husband and she'd lost a lot of friends over the fact that they didn't feel like she should be mourning him...What is that all about? What struck me the most, I think, is that this girl had tears in her eyes & had a hard time keeping it together when she told me about her dad & friend, yet it had been three years. I guess it never goes away altogether, does it? Anyway, the walk was over before we knew it, and when we came back, we all got to light a candle in memory of the loved ones we'd lost to suicide & I lit mine & sent up a "Happy Birthday!" to Shannon. After that, I went back & visited with Sarah & her mom & brother some more before I had to come home to get Tyson & start our week.

I would go into how the week's been, but I'll save it for my next post, since this one turned out so dang long...I do want to give a shout out to my dear ol' dad, whose birthday is today! Love you, Dad! Also, happy belated birthday to my beautiful neice, Careyanna (15), my dear friend, Denise (we won't go there), one of my three favorite brothers, Joe (the big 4-0! Impossible!), and to Randy, my bro-in-law that I just wrote about last week & who happens to share Shannon's birthday! One more birthday coming up....Yep, you, Laura! Happy Halloween, ya witch! Love you!

What have they done with all my new shows?!?

In the past, I never have been a big TV addict, but I decided that some of the new shows looked good & I should check 'em out at the beginning of the season, so I got hooked on a few:

Prison Break, Head Cases and Reunion (and most recently, My Name is Earl).

So, I tune in Monday at 9 pm., telling Tyson that I have transcription to do, so I have to cut the snuggling time short. Much to my dismay, it wasn't on! The stupid TV guide said it was, and even the interet said so, but they were lying! Oh, and this is after finding out that Head Cases was cancelled after two stinking episodes! I mean, really, the show had potential, and how would you know after two episodes if it was going to be sucessful or not? On Tuesday, I kept looking for My Name is Earl on Fox and didn't realize until it was over that it's actually on NBC. So, tonight's Thursday...I tell Tyson that he really needs to get some reading time in & that I have to watch Reunion. To my surprise and delight, he was cooperative, so I settle in to watch my show, and...yep! You guessed it! They didn't air it! What is going on here? I feel like I'm in the Twilight Zone or something! (Oh, wait...they cancelled that show, too...)

On a side note, a couple of exciting things: Misty, an old friend from another lifetime (ok, like high school) has tracked me down & we've been in touch. (Hi, Misty!) Also, I stumbled onto a blog that intrigued me and ended up making an internet buddy that is going through a hard time right now, and hopefully I can help him out a little by being a friend from afar. (Hi, Mike!) Also, I talked to Krista tonight, and her awesome hubby, Dustin, will be taking a test on Saturday so he will be able to be an independent sub-contracting plumber, which will allow him to work in town & live at home, rather than traveling out of town for work during the week & showing up on the weekends. I'm really looking forward to this weekend with Sarah & doing the walk for Shannon.

So, any of you who know me know that I believe in the power of prayer, and would like to ask that you say a little prayer for Misty for will-power, for Mike for patience and peace, for Dustin for his exciting new future, for my friends Twyla & Gary, that they'll get more sleep & appreciate eachother more, for my friend Denise, that her husband will woo her this weekend, and for my brother-in-law, Randy, whom I love dearly because he's so good to my big sis. He recently fell while working on the new house in Arizona and had a pretty serious head injury.

And, really, I'll try to quit being so dang sappy in my next blog entry! I just don't know what's gotten into me lately!

Well, per Twyla's petulant request for my light banter (just one of many facets of my incredibly enigmatic personality), here's my Top 10 on Tuesday:

10 Best Presents You've Received
(As always, in no particular order)

1. My son was born 5 days after my birthday. Does he count?
2. My surprise birthday party in 8th grade. My mom had Shannon & Sarah invite all our friends from school (including boys, woo-hoo!) and we had a sleep-over.
3. My pony, J.R. My mom did a whole scavenger hunt thing starting with a card on the Christmas tree & ending in the barn, with a big red bow wrapped around his neck.
4. My karaoke machine. (Ironically enough, from my ex-husband last Christmas, after we split up, but I was still living there until my place became available.)
5. A keyboard & a stand. (We were always broke when I was growing up, so when I got something this huge, it made me feel even more grateful!)
6. A Hawaiian ginger bath & body set from Shannon. It was the last thing she gave me, and she said that she knew how much I liked hers & that my mom had taught us to give someone something you'd want for yourself.
7. A really soft stuffed kitty on a heart pillow that said "I love you" from my boyfriend, Cris, in 8th grade. (I've been racking my brain, and other than that & the gifts I got on holidays from Seth, I don't think I've ever gotten presents from a boyfriend!)
8. A sepia-type picture of a daisy in a field that I have hanging in my living room from my sister, Kathy. I spotted it when we were shopping together & she snuck back & bought it for me without me knowing.
9. My friend, Denise, always gives little gifts, like Mary Kay (since she's a rep) and one time, a haircut & color, which is how I met my current hairdresser that I love so much!
10. Other gifts from friends: the blue glass hurricane lantern candleholder & cream & taupe candle platters from Twyla & the beautiful mirrored crystal candleholder from Marge for my wedding. Tyson's grandma, Robbin, has also given me so many wonderful gifts I can't begin to list them all. She's incredibly generous & has impeccible taste (and she doesn't even read my blog, so I'm not kissing up to get more - it's just the truth)! Also, I can't end this without mentioning that my big sister, Laura, always gave me birthday & Christmas presents when I was growing up, wherever she lived. She'd mail them with stickers all over the box - and still does, as a matter of fact! She just borrowed my wedding dress & when she mailed it back to me, included a really cute memo pad with an angel on the cover. She's always been thoughtful that way. (She does read this blog...hee hee!)

For those of you who don't already know, my best friend, Shannon Rose, killed herself a year ago last April 10th, at age 27.

She & I met on the new student orientation day for Riley Creek Elementary, where I would be attending 7th grade the following year. She invited me & my other best friend, Sarah, to sit with her at lunch.

With any friendship that lasts from the age of 12 and well into adulthood, we knew eachother's deepest, darkest secrets, raised our kids together, and just had one of those once-in-a-lifetime bonds, where you can be completely honest with the other person and know that you won't hurt the other's feelings, because everything comes from a place of love, and both of you know that. Of course we didn't agree on absolutely everything, but we had a mutual respect & could acknowledge our differences without arguing over them.

When we were in 8th grade, she had a crush on a 7th grader & I encouraged her to go out with him, hold hands, etc. Little did either of us know that this would be her future husband and father of her three children, the first being born our senior year in high school.

After the birth of her second child (and a good ten years into her relationship), Shannon strayed outside of her marriage and got involved way beyond her control with a likewise married man. After a couple of years had passed, I finally told her flat out that I couldn't support what she was doing & warned her that she could lose everything - her family, her husband, her kids, her reputation...her sanity. It takes a lot out of a person to lead a double life, not to mention that she was going through nursing school (a lifelong dream of hers) and holding down a solid 4.0 GPA. I knew it couldn't last forever. There finally was a turning point in our friendship where I couldn't be supportive or just look the other way.

Close to a year passed by, during which time, the truth came out about the affair, Shannon got pregnant with her ex-husband's third child (finally, the girl she'd wanted for years!) and went into a mental institution twice for a bipolar disorder.

I finally got a call from Shannon one day, telling me that she had given birth to her baby girl just weeks before, and asking if she could have Tyson come visit with her over spring break. (Tyson and her son, Kyle, were best friends, too.) I know that it might seem crazy to some that I would allow Tyson to stay with her, but I knew that if I could trust anyone on this earth to treat Tyson well and take good care of him, it would be her. She adored him so much & thought the world of him. During the phone call, I tried to explain to her why I'd put so much distance between us, and she wouldn't hear of it. She said that she completely understood and that I had been right. I drove Tyson up to Gold Beach to drop him off & ended up staying the night with them, during which time she filled me in on her custody case and how lonely she was. We talked a lot, and even laughed a little. I'll never forget when she said that I should feel special, because she hadn't laughed in a really long time. I came back home, and she drove Tyson back at the end of the week and stayed the night with us. She slept almost the whole visit, which I attributed to having a newborn and to being depressed over not having her boys with her. When she hugged me goodbye, I didn't know that it would be the last time, or I would've held on tight & not let go! The one thing she chose not to talk to me about...

Anyway, the reason that I wanted to share all of this is that I'm going to visit with Sarah (the aforementioned other best friend from 6th grade) when she comes to see her mom in Portland on October 15th. I plan to just drive up Saturday & come back Sunday, so that Tyson can just stay the night with a friend. As I made these plans, it had occured to me that Shannon's birthday was October 16th. At work, I subscribe to the Oregon Dept. of Human Resources online, and yesterday I received a notice that there would be a Suicide Prevention/Awareness walk in Portland on October 16th, when I just happen to be there! I get chills just thinking about it & I'm definitely doing the walk!

I got this off my sister, Kathy's, blog to share. Feel free to send your own answers back!

1. are you good at drawing or painting?
I enjoy sketching, but I can't say I'm actually good at it. I completely suck at painting!

2. have you ever, or do you currently, write poetry?
I have & I sometimes still do. When I moved out on my own, I had every song, poem, story, you name it, that I'd ever written, but it all got damaged in a major rain storm when I was sorting the boxes. I vowed when I got my divorce that I'd start writing & doing more with my music again, but the time and motivation just haven't been there as I'd expected...

3. have you ever, or do you currently, write short stories?
The only short stories I ever wrote were for English class. I love creative writing & would love to be at least a one-time novelist, but I really have no imagination!

4. what musical instrument(s) do you - or did you - play?
Clarinet, electric bass & a little acoustic guitar. Also love to sing & am self-taught (meaning not-great!) at piano.

5. creativity is apparent in many ways ... decorating, drawing/painting, voice, sculpture, screen/playwriting, etc. do you consider yourself a creative person? why or why not?
Definitely! Creative can mean lots of things...

6. if you could be bestowed one creative and talented gift, what would it be, and why?
I'd love to be able to play the guitar well! It's a portable instrument that you can take anywhere for vocal accompaniment & livens up any party! I'd also like to be a better songwriter.

7. my uncle, grandmother, and daughter are artists and can paint/draw fabulously. i'm the opposite - my stick figures are uneven! who received the artisitic talent in your family?
I didn't know Grandma could draw/paint! Anyway, that would be Christine, my mom, my Aunt Linda and Uncle Gene. I know my niece, Carey-Anna, is also quite talented, but I think she & her big sis, Tara, got that from their mom...

8. i have a few artist friends who are quite happy with their ramen soup noodles, low credit scores, and crappy apartments while they wait for their "big break." do you think it is more important to follow your dream and live meagerly, OR do you think it is more important to live comfortably and plan for your future while you follow your dream on the side?
I have to agree with Kathy's opinion: if it's just you, go all out (reasonably)! But if you have kids & a family that depends on you for support, temper your enthusiasm with practicality. Unfortunately, I think sometimes that I'll never get what I really want for myself because I put others first, but I'm sure I'm wrong & that my day will come. I only have 9 more years to raise my son, but the rest of my life to pursue my own selfish dreams!

I've got a serious case of the Mondays! Mondays at work always suck, especially when I have payroll first thing, but add to that the reports due on the first day of the month, and you have a recipe for disaster!

I could go on, but I think I'd better quit giving work any more of my blogging energy.

Ty's 4th football game was Saturday, and our boys got scored on for the 1st time this season, but still managed to win (sorry - can't remember the final score...) & secure a place in the championship playoffs. After the game, Tyson & I went over to his teammate's house & watched "Little Giants" with him & his mom, then went home & vegged until bedtime.

On Sunday, we invited another little buddy to go to the Harvest Fair in Central Point with us. It would've been a whole lot more fun if it hadn't rained the whole time, but we still enjoyed it. Last night, Dad finally managed to get through to me when I was home & offline, so we caught up a little bit & made plans for Thanksgiving, since Tyson will be with his dad. If we don't get an invite somewhere, it's Hometown Buffet for us! I told Dad that would be fine with me; then we wouldn't even have to clean up! I also talked to Sarah, who will be in Portland from the 5th - 17th, so I'm going to try & go stay the night with her on the 15th & come back the next day. I haven't seen her & the kids since last September, when I flew down to San Diego for a few days.

Well, my reports are finally finished printing, so I have to get them all organized for the big wigs. Happy flippin' Monday to all...