I am feeling a lot better than my last couple of blog posts and wanted to update people with good news for a change!

When I became overwhelmed and had to drop the EMDA class & lab, I also decided to cut out all the socializing. Now that I have stepped back from most of my "friendships," I am more aware of how things really were. I was giving more to these people who mostly didn't deserve my time and energy, but who gladly accepted it, than to myself or my son. The longer I've had away from certain people, the more I've realized how shallow those friendships were and how much I was being used and/or disrespected.

The good news is, I do have many wonderful friends who understand I don't have time to hang out all the time but who love me anyway and are willing to hang out when I can make the time.

The even better news is that I have a lot more time (though still not enough!!) to focus on my home life, work, and school work. I had a moment last night when I was washing my face and brushing my teeth where I realized I had gotten out of the habit of doing so at night, just falling into bed and then waking up for a shower in the morning. I thought to myself about how much more clearly my thinking has become and how I feel good about the quality of work I'm putting out as well as the quality of time I have with Tyson. I looked at myself in the mirror and saw a hardworking woman who deserves to end every night with 5 - 10 minutes of private time to focus on herself and realized how much I've been disrespecting myself in little ways and not even being aware of it. And then it occurred to me that maybe that's why others were treating me disrespectfully, because I had accepted it.

As a matter of fact, I had an interesting email conversation with a guy I knew from middle school on Facebook. We were doing the usual "catching up," where we talked about our kids, relationships, jobs, college, travels, etc. over the last 20 years and he asked if I was single. That's fine--I replied that I was, but that I was grateful for the fact these days. He then implied that I must just have "buddies" that I use for my sexual needs. Again, I deflected and said that I'm not really into casual sex or that whole scene. He replied by making a comment about pleasing myself and sex toys. At that point, I decided he had really gone too far. I'm no prude and I'm very open about topics around sex (obviously, as a potential sex therapist, I'd have to be!), but I also realized that I felt that he was disrespecting me by violating my privacy and I had never encouraged him in this way. I wrote him back and told him that I didn't want to discuss my sex life with him and that he needed to not ask me such personal things. At first, I was thinking about how I could be funny about it or look out for his feelings and say things like, "I'm sure you didn't mean to but..." and then I realized that I need to quit making excuses for others or trying to put their feelings ahead of my own, when he was the one to insult me. It felt really good and very empowering! I wasn't rude, but I was very direct.

So anyway, that's the scoop on where I'm at these days. Calm, direct, and focused on the things I want to make priorities in my life. I like the new me and I think I'll see a big difference in the way people treat me as a result.

This has been a very emotional week for me. I'm sure losing Aunt Wanda had something to do with it. As I explained to my sister, Laura, last night on the phone, although I adored Aunt Wanda and will miss her, it's more about feeling for my dad and my sister, Kathy, who was very close to her. I also feel for Uncle Glenn and their two daughters, but my heart is aching for these two people I love so much. I know they're "handling it" just fine, but I also know how it feels to lose someone close to you and I know from experience that it will be a process, with some days better than others.

The day after Aunt Wanda died would have been Shannon's birthday. I thought about her, of course, and missed her, but for some reason it's really sinking in today. I was on Facebook and sent her oldest son a friend request and saw pictures of him and his two younger siblings. I don't know why, but it was actually the picture of them with their dad that hit me hard and made me start crying. Regardless of what happened at the end, Shannon and Brett were together off and on since we were all 13, and they loved each other so much. There's just something about knowing that there's someone else who feels the loss in the same way that you do, that knew all the good and bad things about that person and misses them just like you.

I think maybe another reason this is all coming up is because I attended the suicide intervention part of my volunteer training last night and of course that made me think of Shannon. Another thing is that I've really been evaluating my friendships lately and been disappointed by so many people that it makes me long for the closeness that she and I had. I do have some amazing friends that I'm close with and I am going to focus on cherishing those friendships and not blindly trusting people anymore.

I have definitely begun a new chapter in my life in which I plan to put all of my effort into Tyson and myself for the next few years. I have so many things going on right now that I'm barely hanging on and I need to cut out any extraneous crap that can affect our happiness.

For the first time in my life, I can honestly say that I am not looking and actually am WORRIED that I might find someone because it will interfere with my goals. I am looking forward to the day when I finally have my masters degree and begin my new career and life without raising a child or worrying about anyone else. I know that may sound selfish to some, but it just seems that I've always put someone else's happiness ahead of my own and I look forward to putting my energy into myself and discovering the life that I want.

Overall, I feel melancholy and wistful today. I am feeling sad and hopeful all at once, and it feels very vulnerable.

Well, my excitement quickly transformed into an intense feeling of being overwhelmed once I delved into the learning process in my EMDA class which I planned to use this blog for. I won't go into details, but I think I did the smart thing by withdrawing from that class to minimize my class load this term. I'm now down to 12 credits, which is still full time, and with the TA position, practicum hours at the psychologist's office, and volunteer work, I think I'll be plenty busy still. I actually skipped my classes today so I could stay home and get caught up on schoolwork and online quizzes (as well as transcription) and it's only the second week of the term! I'm sure I'll do fine, now that I extricated myself from the EMDA class and a few other "obligations" that I felt I had to commit to. I'll try to still keep up on the blogging.