This has been a very emotional week for me. I'm sure losing Aunt Wanda had something to do with it. As I explained to my sister, Laura, last night on the phone, although I adored Aunt Wanda and will miss her, it's more about feeling for my dad and my sister, Kathy, who was very close to her. I also feel for Uncle Glenn and their two daughters, but my heart is aching for these two people I love so much. I know they're "handling it" just fine, but I also know how it feels to lose someone close to you and I know from experience that it will be a process, with some days better than others.

The day after Aunt Wanda died would have been Shannon's birthday. I thought about her, of course, and missed her, but for some reason it's really sinking in today. I was on Facebook and sent her oldest son a friend request and saw pictures of him and his two younger siblings. I don't know why, but it was actually the picture of them with their dad that hit me hard and made me start crying. Regardless of what happened at the end, Shannon and Brett were together off and on since we were all 13, and they loved each other so much. There's just something about knowing that there's someone else who feels the loss in the same way that you do, that knew all the good and bad things about that person and misses them just like you.

I think maybe another reason this is all coming up is because I attended the suicide intervention part of my volunteer training last night and of course that made me think of Shannon. Another thing is that I've really been evaluating my friendships lately and been disappointed by so many people that it makes me long for the closeness that she and I had. I do have some amazing friends that I'm close with and I am going to focus on cherishing those friendships and not blindly trusting people anymore.

I have definitely begun a new chapter in my life in which I plan to put all of my effort into Tyson and myself for the next few years. I have so many things going on right now that I'm barely hanging on and I need to cut out any extraneous crap that can affect our happiness.

For the first time in my life, I can honestly say that I am not looking and actually am WORRIED that I might find someone because it will interfere with my goals. I am looking forward to the day when I finally have my masters degree and begin my new career and life without raising a child or worrying about anyone else. I know that may sound selfish to some, but it just seems that I've always put someone else's happiness ahead of my own and I look forward to putting my energy into myself and discovering the life that I want.

Overall, I feel melancholy and wistful today. I am feeling sad and hopeful all at once, and it feels very vulnerable.