I figured I'd better post something before I completely lose any audience I may have acquired...
Life is in a plateau zone right now, which is better than it could be, so I'll be grateful for that! I have many great friends, a good job & extra side career, a wonderful family & a sweet, albeit incredibly strange, cat. What more could a girl want, really?
I don't know - I have this underlying feeling lately of needing to break free - ride a roller coaster, eat a hamburger (even though I stopped liking those about 15 years ago) or ride a quad & get dirty. I just feel that I've become so focused on being a good parent, a responsible person, keeping everything organized, clean & just so, that I've strayed too far from the spontaneous, loud, trusting, grubby country girl that I used to be. Not that I want to have a crazy, dirty, disorganized life; I've become quite comfortable in my sane zone, but I think that I need to have a release of some sort to help me remember who I started out as & to know that it's okay that I still have some of that in me somewhere. Maybe this won't make any sense to you, but it's very real to me. I just don't know what I'll do about it yet. Of course, my spontaneous escape from my everyday reality will have to be meticulously planned, so that I can maintain the balance that I've fought so hard to keep.
Maybe I just need to have a day/night out without Tyson...I love that kid with every fiber of my being, but it's not good for either of us to spend so much time with eachother & no one else. He's getting way too used to having me all to himself. Sometimes I feel just a little suffocated by him; for instance, if I try to read my email, he's right there looking over my shoulder & gets his feelings hurt or gets suspicious when I ask him to leave my room so I can check my email or write in private. I know it's irrational, but I feel guilty about it, too! But, you know, if I wanted to complain about something Seth did, like in my previous blogs, or write about it to a friend, that's not something I want Tyson to see. At the same time, if I can't express my frustrations to others, how am I supposed to deal with it?
Anyway, enough whining...off to church tomorrow morning, where I'll be given my curriculum for the 3-4 y/o childrens' class I'll be starting to help with on the 15th. I'm really excited about the opportunity, if a little apprehensive.
4 comments:
This is not as strange as you feel that it is.... just a need to "BE" who you are.... you are no longer a couple, but a single & need to find out who you are as a single now. It is surprising that it's taken you this long to feel the need.... but it is "normal" as a divorced person to need to re-discover yourself. Have at it!!! You've earned it.
Thanks, Mom! Yeah, sometimes it takes me a while to catch on...actually, I just came to the realization that I've pretty much been in some relationship or another since my teens & never really had the single time, other than the first year after Troy. Then I thought about the fact that I was 19 the last time I was single, and not a mom! I've changed a lot since then, so I need to rediscover myself, and in doing so, need to reconnect with my past self. I'm so glad you understand & that this is normal! It feels right, anyway. I was just talking to Dad & Kathy tonight, and telling them that I really want to get a feel for who I am & what I want & don't want before I get wrapped up in a relationship in which I lose my identity, because it's not well-enough defined. BTW, done any artwork for me, yet?!? XOXO
No art work yet, but I didn't get your gift 'til last Friday... I have it opened... just waiting for some quiet time to try it out.... THANK YOU! I was surprised. Didn't think you remembered that I liked to draw.....
Oh, whatever! Of course I remember! Your whole family is artistic & I was always blown away by your talent & the fact that you never thought you were that great! And, you just listen here, Missy - other than dialysis & church, don't you have an abundance of "quiet time"? I really would love to have something, even if it's something small & simple, that you've done.
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